Pain All Too Real

Saturday, October 13, 2012




It has been almost two years since I lost my dad. The pain comes in waves and crashes down on me hard. I try to bury my head in makeup, hair products, and MAC releases. Those things seem to be the only thing that keep my head above water...besides my wonderful family.

The song "My Immortal" by Evanescence came on this morning while I was doing dishes, and I heard those words clearly for the first time. It is a beautiful song that you just can't ignore when you have lost someone. Here are the lyrics:

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/evanescence-lyrics/my-immortal-lyrics.html ]

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me 


So next time you are filling your life with what seems to heal you, listen to this song and feel your feelings. I have learned its OK to fall apart every now and then...that helps heal the gaping wounds. 

I know my dad is no longer here physically, but I feel his presence stronger than ever. His words of wisdom are what really keep me on the road to be myself and choke out the anger life so easily hands me. The day he walks toward me when I join my heavenly family, I will give him the biggest hug anyone can imagine. 
I LOVE YOU DAD!

3 comments:

  1. This brought tears to my eyes....I still can't believe he's gone, I was with my dad when he got the call from your mom that he had passed and I was just in shock. Your dad was such an amazing person and I loved him dearly - the closest person my dad would ever have to a brother! But yes, I agree, sometimes you have to "fall apart", let the tears flow, scream angry things, etc. because it does help heal the wounds. *Hugs*, sweet girl!

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    1. AW! Thanks so much! Yeah our dads were like brothers haha. So funny together! Your dad is an amazing person as well! I know they inspired each other all the time...when they weren't bickering hahahaha gosh I miss that:) But oh yes I have learned to let myself feel the pain and fall apart because I can drive myself crazy holding it in!

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  2. Hey, you are brave and beautiful. Keep on inspiring us with your magic! Stay strong , I too lost my granny and I still miss her . Almost 3 years now. And people who haven't lost loved ones can't relate because we live in a selfish and self centered culture but stay strong and put positivity out there,

    Love and hugs :)
    Fatima

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